Motherhood with a splash of Depression a pinch of Anxiety and a whole lot of Hyper-Fixation

February 04, 2020

Being a mother is hard, no one said it would be easy but I didn't realize it be this hard, from the sleepless nights and never being able to go to the toilet in peace it takes a massive toll on your mental health and its even worse when your mental health is at a low.
I knew for over 10 years my head wasn't right but I just hide it behind closed doors and hoped no one would notice how messed up I was 
(only Craig noticed that I was a massive muck up and the unlucky sod still married me).

I found ways to manage my bad days and it was easier when you don't have two little people depending on you for survival
After having Connor life got a bit harder, Craig tried to help when he could but sometimes it just isn't enough when your own being doesn't want help, my main coping mechanism was the laptop before even dating Craig I used to be on the laptop a lot then year after year it got worse and worse to the point I used to stay up all night on the laptop and only work a few hours in the evening so I can be on the laptop while Craig was at work and my god did that make our relationship struggle and I admit it was mostly all my fault but to me, that's all I knew on how to manage my mental health, I'm a shy person face to face and most of the time on the internet too, so when you cant get friends in the real world you try to find people online to talk to.

See this is where the problem comes in... with kids you don't get any time to yourself so that took most of my laptop time and you guessed it my mental health took a dive.

Funny thing is that while in the middle of writing this post the kids came back from their nannas and that's the end of my alone time can you see how much I've managed to write before they came home? not much I can assure you.

One thing I never thought was part of my depression and anxiety was my hyper fixation, I just thought it was normal to be suddenly obsessed with something to the point it made you feel ill, see the thing with a hyper fixation is that you cannot stop thinking about it, you need to find out everything about it and then one day maybe a month or weeks you wake up and bam you don't think of it anymore and you feel a weight come off your shoulders like you can breathe again.
(well till the next hyper fixation hits you)

With kids, you can't drop everything to focus on that one thing even if it's like a heartbeat in your head that doesn't go away.

Oh but I'm rambling here, being a mother is also great there are the kids of course and they give the best cuddles (not much when its an elbow to the collarbone) and the things they come out with.
I said to Connor the other day that I was sorry I wasn't a good mum and he replied with that I was a good mum and he loves me its something I needed to hear.

12 years later I've gotten the help that I needed and I feel like a different person I still have my bad days but compared to before it's like I'm a new person, its something I should have done at the start 
(coming from a family that suffers from mental health problems you don't want to disappoint your mum)

Just I think I've talked enough about my problems so if life starts to get too much for you, go to the doctors, please.

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