Living with a mental illness

January 18, 2020

So this blog post is a little different from the others I've done but in 2020 I'm wanting to talk more than being a mum or my kids.

I live with a mental illness have done for years but only in 2019 that I went to the doctors about it as it just wasn't fair to the kids, the doctor diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and put me on Sertraline 50g then come back to see her within 4 weeks.

It wasn't as much as a wake-up call than say a massive step in bravery for me as for over 12 years I always hoped that there wasn't anything wrong me.

Being brought up with family members that suffer with their mental health I always wanted to be the one that mum didn't need to worry about so I buried my feelings and thoughts and tried to work around it, I started using my laptop and phone as my coping mechanism to the point I was on it 24/7.

My life suffered because of it but the most important people stayed with me and helped me along when I needed it and right now it feels like I'm rambling about this subject but I haven't been the best at writing or talking about what's on my mind I just bottle it up till I hit a breaking point.

I had so many bad coping mechanisms that I hated myself and wasn't scared to say it.
I'm not sure if my head is just wired differently from other peoples or because of my childhood maybe it was both but even knowing the reason it happened won't change the future. 

Being on these tablets had changed me a lot but it's not all good, I have noticed that wanting to talk to people has taken a nosedive when before I was more involved in convos, but I have been more happy to the point the kids have noticed its made me want to be a better person in how I look after myself and my home.

There is something that I have noticed that once I started taking the tablets is my love of plants have grown to the point I want my home full of them just like a rainforest and plant by plant its slowly happening, just looking at them and caring for them brings me peace that I didn't know I could feel but don't get me wrong I still have bad days where I don't want to be a person let alone a mum, these are the bad days so taking it day by day is a must, that was the actual tipping point to going to see the doctor as I wanted to run away from everyone and just be a person, not someone's mum or wife. 

 Just what I am saying is that even know that I had a happy marriage and family I still wasn't happy in myself and everything I tried didn't do a dam thing until I took the steps to make myself better and I know that I will never be 100% better or fixed but I just need to be good enough for my husband and kids.

** Laptop in the pictures have been previous gifted by AO in exchange for grid posts **

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